Love, love. This is, I think, the ultimate quest foradult zebra. Behind indifferent airs, it is indeed a great sensitive who seeks only one thing: to be loved. Is it due to hypersensitivity ? Its different cognitive functioning ? Really, I don't know. And my different readings on the subject are not much enlightened. Why? Simply because, to date, there is no scientific study done on it. Now we know well. the gift and the High Intellectual Potential. On the other hand, we know very little about the influence it can have on the love life of individuals.
So what you're going to read here is a synthesis of the writings and feedback from the clinical reviews done by many psychologists, told through my love experience. So you will understand that it should not be made a generality. I am not a guru of love, nor a professional of the love relationship (if my friends read me, I am sure they will laugh at it!). Nevertheless, my readings and experience allow me, I think, to draw up a certain guideline and to expose several generalities which seem unique to gifted adults.
So this article is not intended to learn how to better manage love when you are gifted. No. It's about my story, and some of the little rules that flow from it that I hope will be of use to you.
The refusal to find love
My little love story begins with a great drama. Yes. At first, I was convinced that this was not for me.
A first complicated experience
I discovered love feelings when I was a teenager. At that time, I fell in love (without doing it on purpose!) with my best friend (ops). I also discovered that I was gay (ops #2). Anyway, I'll give you all the details of this impossible love. What we must remember is that during this period I suffered a lot. Gradually, I managed to get away from the situation. At that time, I swore to myself " Never again! Love is beautiful in movies; But it really hurts way too much. ».
My psychologist, in explaining the principles of gift, talked about the hypersensitivity that I had in me. She's obviously the one who swallowed me. And then adds the "first love" which, it seems, is strong and memorable. I can confirm that I remember that.
I really feel like I came out of this moment traumatized by love. I didn't have butterflies in my stomach, but rather cannon balls – a bit like a big gastro. It was awful, really. I don't know if some of you have ever experienced this kind of one-way passion, but know that it's really not easy to handle.
In the meantime I made my coming-out. Love already seemed so complicated to me for "normal people", that it was also necessary for me to confront a homosexuality which, at the time, did not dislike much. I was the first openly gay in my high school, and some knew how to remind me.
Anyway, I convinced myself that love wasn't for me. Just as many children dared to approach a dog after being bitten, I didn't even dare to talk about the subject after all the distress I had felt. Can a gifted person love without suffering?
Fear of attachment
Years pass, and I continue to refuse any sense of attachment. In fact, I think I was afraid to attach to anyone. And then anyway, I went to school that made me move around. In 6 years, I still had 9 different apartments in 6 cities and 3 countries. In hindsight, I don't know if it's the fact of moving that I didn't want to attach to someone (nothing but the idea of developing a mini-sentiment in love to start there 3 months after terrified me), or if I forced myself to move and find internships elsewhere to, unconsciously, prevent me from joining. To date, the mystery remains complete. In any case, my little heart remained protected and was able to recover from his past emotions.
I don't know if this fear that I had is proper to the gift or trauma – or both! In any case, what I know is that I still feel it sometimes today, now that I'm in a relationship and everything is fine (sorry, I just spoiled you the end). However, I think that this blockade related to fear of attachment was (and is still) for me a defense strategy. In the background, there was also the fear of love breakup. I thought the gifted mix and love breakup could be really catastrophic.
A feeling of freedom
And then, in the meantime, I started foraging. Like a bee, I went from flower to flower. My only goal was never to go twice on the same flower. After that, I was afraid to enjoy too much and stay stuck there. Fear of attachment, over and over again. And then I know myself, I can very quickly love any flower.
Nevertheless, I have never felt as free as during this period. Everything seemed possible. I was convinced I had found THE solution. Since I'm too sensitive and I'm fastening too fast, so not even trying to tie up, right?
Besides, I loved to meet new flowers. The time of a discussion, we were talking and it allowed me to discover a whole new world. I felt like I was discovering all the things that I can do in a life, just by talking. By meeting a nurse flower, I could be passionate about medicine and want to be a doctor overnight. Same with a flower lawyer, manager or self-entrepreneur. It was fantastic.
Now I understand why I loved this time so much. Already, I felt like I could do what I wanted, all the time. The need for freedom and lack of authority are two fundamental things in me. And then I was talking and meeting many new people who, in a way, satisfied my curiosity about the world. Each time, for a few hours, I discovered a whole new universe. And every time, I could build a new universe in which I appeared.
The need for stability and a reassuring framework
Little by little, I got tired of foraging in the fields. I think my heart was healed and recovered from his past emotions. And then in the meantime I grew up, and my needs and desires have evolved. My studies were about to end, so I was going to have a "real" job, with a "real" home... and stay there. When I realized this, I thought, after all, I still wanted to (a little) ask myself.
This is the beginning of my quest for love as a zebra (because the first time I didn't know I was gifted, and love fell on me without asking anything).
Routine implementation
I believe that what happened was that, despite the fact that I was always very accompanied and that my social life was rather active (thanks to the fact that I was still very close to my home). false selfI felt alone. This is the return of the solitude of the gifted. Then I decide to skip the step and stop looking to forage. Instead, I bet on something I don't know: routine. And then, while looting, I realized that some flowers were still very interesting. They are rare, but they exist. Then why not try to bet on one of them?
In parallel, this idea of routine reassured me. I think, as a zebra adult, I had a lot (too many) of questions about the future. I needed to always have plans and forecasts about my future. Create a routine with Someone had the advantage of allowing me to visualize myself at some point in the future. I am not talking about a routine that is too precise with the menus and activities defined in advance, but rather about a reassuring framework. This framework, with its limitations, allows me to focus on other topics. It takes the mental and cognitive charge of part of my brain activity.
What if, in the end, despite their constant fear of boredom, people with high potentials didn't just need a routine? This idea was exciting, and I wanted to pursue it.
The search for impossible
So I start thinking about the flower I want, my flower Perfect. I carry out a specification in my head, with the qualities that it must absolutely have, and those that I must not come across. Besides, I have a problem: how do we find her?
I'm still laughing at the situation by writing these lines. My only references in terms of relationships were my parents, and the films (my friends being as single as I am overall). My parents met during their graduate studies. I had just finished them. And in movies, it's always unlikely.
So far, I've only been foraging. I can't fly. And, for a reason I don't know, my brain that usually finds solutions to all problems is in PLS. He can't find an idea, or even a lead.
It's funny anyway. This brain has always been my best friend and has always found solutions to my problems – and even problems I didn't have! But there's no one left. Facing love, I feel like a four-year-old.
Dourance and meetings
So I use the rational approach. I see this research in the spectrum of business studies I come out of. I'm starting to make a business plan. The perfect flower is my client. The world: the market. And I have to find communication means to reach my target client and make him want to come and buy, so to love me.
Among the criteria for selecting my perfect flower, I wanted one that is a minimum cultivated. I like being able to talk about everything with someone out there. It makes sense that this person should go from time to time to museums. I then began to survey all the great Parisian museums and all the galleries of the City. With a great Hollywood film culture, I notice that often meetings take place on the benches of museums. A person seems to be immersed in the depth of a painting or work. An unknown flower comes to sit next door and discussion begins. So I sit on every bench I find. For several hours, I plunge my gaze into various works. I'm waiting, like in a movie waiting for someone to come and interrupt. I'm waiting, but nothing happens.
Sometimes visitors come to ask me an hour, a direction or a handkerchief. But instead of looking at it as an attempt to approach, I am terrified of the idea that someone else is talking to me. What if he's a psychopath? What if he just wanted to steal my phone and my keys when I was looking for the handkerchief? How do I get home if I don't have any more keys? So I paralyze, and I stutter shyly. My technique seems definitely doomed to failure.
I really don't understand how love works. In fact, it's mostly the dredge that poses a problem to me. Love, I can understand the general idea.
But what is the utility of the dredge? When someone comes to talk to me about it, I can see where she's coming from. Then why don't you go straight? This kind of "bride dance" seems to me to be just a waste of time.
Unveiling as an adult zebra
Anyway, time continues to run. I don't get caught anymore, and my love business plan is down. My brain always blocks so much. I don't know how to do it, I don't understand how it works. Yet I feel more and more that I need to find that love.
The distance from love
On the advice of a friend, I try a new strategy: dating applications. Even if it's not the "natural" encounter I dreamed of, it still remains a meeting. Basically, that's what counts, isn't it? The end justifies the means Like they say.
And then I can use them. I understood how they worked during my Paulo-I-bee period. There, in addition, they will give me an advantage that reassures me: I will be able to make statistics. You know me, the numbers are my dada. So I'm going to be able to insert a statistical dimension into love by testing hanging phrases, different speeches, different photos, etc. It's kind of like a life-size experience on the dredge. With this approach, I feel safe. And then applications allow to distance the relationship. I turn off the emotional load that I can sometimes feel too quickly.
Love in the chain
I quickly find the winning combo: a photo of me in suit, a funny little message, and the trick is played. I run the dates at high speed V. Generally, I propose the meeting. I quickly noticed that people are always a little different in real terms from messages. Besides, I hate messages. I felt like I was wasting my time. At least we meet and cut. We're moving.
What I didn't plan, though, was that I went with the flower with the gun. I thought it was going to be a little bit like when I got caught and finished my case without feeling much. Only then did I start thinking that maybe I was going to meet the flower of my life. Maybe it was the good. So, during the simple length of the date, I was already tying too much. Everything goes too fast with my feelings. And I'm going back in love. And every time I realize it's not mutual.
Yet, what's "funny" is that when I remembered these moments, I was only paying attention to the other's bad details. I was only looking for things they didn't have in relation to my specifications. And yet, every time, my heart was shoving.
Adult with high potential wants to go too fast
Another phenomenon inherent in the applications of love: people allow themselves to ghost (understand killing, stop responding without explanation). For my little sensitive heart High Intellectual PotentialIt's very hard. In three sentences I'm addicted, then nothing. Yet, in these three sentences, I have already imagined a future and a life for two. It's always too fast for me. A good date? I am in love And I need to move in together the next day because I can't stand being alone anymore.
Once it worked. I had several dates with the same flower. I was on a little cloud and convinced it was there, it was done. Very quickly, I managed to become a pot of glue. I was too present, I wanted to go too fast and burn the steps. My flower fled.
I think the zebra knows how the situation will happen, but he doesn't have the patience to wait until all this happens. Why waste time dragging on on endless dates, when we know it's going to match and we're going to finish together? The zebra is not a psychopath, it is passionate (and impatient!).
Fear of boredom
Since I can't find a shoe at my foot, I decide to reduce my specifications. I focus on two criteria: I want to laugh and not be bored. But don't bother. I'm very afraid of boredom, and there's nothing worse for me than living a dull and unrelief life. I want some excitement and stimulation.
It is reported that this fear of boredom is common among gifted adults. From what I understood, it would be due to the fact that our brain is in permanent motion. He needs to be fed and stimulated. And then the times when people are bored are more conducive to introspection. We'll meet alone with our tree thoughts invasive. Getting busy makes it possible not to pay attention (or at least to pay less attention to it).
Also, I have never chosen someone based on their (or not) gift. I don't think the gifted draw between them. Besides, an atypical couple seemed to me to be really complicated to deal with. A zebra in love is enough.
To get naked
In parallel with my change of criteria, I am putting in place a new strategy. Instead of giving my flowers what I think they want to hear (through my statistical results), I give them... me. I decide to go, honestly. Show my real personality, my real self. That way, everyone knows what he's potentially committed to. There won't be any surprises later. I don't have time to waste, neither do they.
Moreover, this change of situation corresponds to my work on the real and false self. At that time, I was increasingly seeking to express my profound personality. Doing it on dates allowed me to do tests in a closed environment. I'm not going to go back to this process around my personality in this article.
The results? Well, I think you know it's working! Putting me naked was liberating for me, but especially I had a lot more positive returns after my appointments.
Couple life
Today I met a flower with which I feel very well. Paulo, the zebra in love. Besides, he can explain what it feels like to living with a zebra.
In love, each one's rhythm
Our meeting took place following the protocol defined above. I had my funny presentation text and my photo in suit that baited him and made him send a message (we talked about it together since, it really went on his side!). Very quickly, I proposed the meeting during which I was honest. Then we saw each other again, and one thing by bringing in another now is love.
What pleased me was that he also went fast. We quickly settled together, and then a PACS came in. Actually, I don't think there's a speed standard. Everyone finds lunch at their door.
We found ours.
One tip: communication
So my ultimate advice is communication. To all the zebras that are as lost as I have been, don't take your head. If you want to use something to reassure yourself do it (like me with apps and statistics). But honest and true communication is your greatest weapon.
I quickly learned about my gift, and we communicate over and over again about our feelings and how we live everything on our side. Then I too get to take a step back from what I feel and how to express it.
Finally, I would end with a great personal pride: I manage to say " Sorry, you're right. Even when I'm convinced he's wrong. If it's not beautiful!
The relationship between zebras
Last but not least Do you need to have a relationship with a zebra or not? Is an atypical love relationship better? An unusual couple? How to live with a gifted adult or live with a High Intellectual Potential? Are the gifted attractive to each other?
These are questions that come back to me regularly. Well, I don't have the answers. Besides, I don't think anyone has them. Once again everyone finds lunch at his door and as long as your balance works I do not see the interest of questioning about the partner's gift.
Being two zebras gives the advantage of not having to explain to the other what it is that being gifted... But promises a lot of hyper-intellectualization on both sides for everything and nothing. Living with a zebra is, I think, not a rest.
I would certainly repeat an article on these subjects soon because I see that many people are asking questions about the issue.
Conclusion
To conclude, the zebra mainly needs love. However, just like his brain, he likes it when it goes fast. So the dredge tends to remain a mystery for the gifted adult. He doesn't know how to take it and feels lost because, usually, he always finds solutions.
He is very (too?) different from others in his way of thinking and seeing the world.
Despite these somewhat pessimistic points, it is quite possible for the high potential to find love. The proof: I made it. If you are, too, a little stuck in your quest, here are three small tips you can apply:
(1) Be honest from the beginning. Quit loving each other, as much as loving the real personality of the other. Personally, I didn't want to be loved for something I wasn't;
(2) Understand your gift so you can explain it to your partner. She's a part of you and it's important that the other is aware. In my relationship, my blog is a tool that also serves to explain certain peculiarities. I show him some of my drawings that caricature exchanges that I can have with my reactions, and it's a good starting point for discussion. If this can help, don't hesitate to do the same! I think the most difficult thing is to start the conversation. After that, it's on its own;
(3) Communicate, even if you communicate too much. You will quickly realize that some of the implied are very easily avoidable by speaking. It would be too bad to set up a nice relationship just because a sentence was misinterpreted, right?
