Very quickly in my research around the gift, I heard about false self. Whatever, it even happened before: right after the results of my IQ tests. The work on false and real self was one of the first missions of my psychologist for HIP. At the time, she had explained that this introspection work was essential to becoming a adult zebra. Today, with hindsight, I realize that she was totally right. I therefore wished, in this article, to tell you about the progress of this work that we did a decade ago.
In this article, I will start by explaining in more detail what real self is and what false self is. After this psychological – or even psychoanalytic – part, I will explain the implications of this "false schizophrenia" for the gifted, as well as the potential dangers. Finally, I will finish with the exercises that we had put in place and that allowed me to, little by little, find my real self.
What is false self?
You most certainly know if you have already visited a few other pages of this site: the false self is a kind of social mask that serves to protect our real we (our true self) of the outside world. Everyone has this second personality. It is used at times when social constraint is important. For example, during a job interview, I bet you're not going to be completely honest with the recruiter on your real personality. You play a game. And it's totally normal and healthy! This true / false self balance is necessary in a community life. The problem is when this balance is not controlled and the false self takes over.
Before going further in my explanations, it is necessary that I tell you two or three more technical points. It seems to me that it is necessary to understand the psychology behind these concepts in order to be able to treat them as best as possible. Sorry in advance, I'll try to do the best I can!
Definition of true self
Let's start by interested in the real self. The concept was introduced by the British pediatrician and psychologist Donald Winnicott. I'll simplify it to the extreme, but if you're interested in the subject I really advise you to read his books, they are very interesting!
Basically, when building his personality, the child will have behaviors (gestures, words, etc.). Depending on the feedback he receives, he records whether his behaviour is "validated" or not. Let us take an example: in kindergarten, when I came back from school with a good point from the mistress, my parents congratulated me. So my behavior was validated, and I can infer that the company expects me to continue. On the other hand, if I had decided to pee in the middle of the living room, I think I'd have been scolded. There, I understand that my behavior is not validated, and that it should not be done. So far is everything okay?
Okay, now let's see what Winnicott says. According to him, at first, the child will seek to express (by gestures, behaviors, etc.) only his true self. If the returns are positive, then his confidence in him increases, and he understands that his real self is validated. In fact, the real self (sometimes also called just self) is the self-image that corresponds to what one is. It is built when our behaviors True and clean are validated. Still according to Winnicott, only the real self is creative and can be felt as real.
I allow myself a little clarification: in his book Winnicott speaks only of the returns made by the "mother sufficiently good". It is she who responds in a balanced way to the needs of her children (neither too much nor too little). The book was written at a time when only the mother was the guarantor of the education of the children. However, I think that today this idea of only maternal education is no longer relevant, and that one might rather speak of "sufficiently good parents", or even just "source of authority". It is also this last term that I will choose to use, because it allows me to also refer to other sources (teachers, bosses, etc.).
Definition of false self
Let's go to the fake self now. If the child receives negative feedback when he shows his true self, then he deduces that his true personality is not accepted. So he begins to build himself a shell, a mask, a false personality, to adapt to what he thinks society expects of him. It develops particularly strongly in children who are too hard-hitting by their parents. Their real self goes to hide when they are young, and does not return afterwards (school, work, etc.). For example, a very sensitive little boy can get scolded by his parents because " A man doesn't cry " The little boy deduces from this that his real self (his great sensitivity) is not validated, so he gradually begins to wear a social mask with which he makes believe that he is not so sensitive.
Overall, the false self develops in everyone. It is used in situations that have social constraints: being polite, having good manners, etc. It is a (false) personality that is built and whose aim is to adapt to a binding situation. She tries to copy the best image of us that is expected by the group.
So let me summarize: growing up, we express our real self. If we see that he is accepted by our sources of authority, then we gain confidence and express him more and more. If, on the contrary, it is not accepted, then a second personality (the false self) is built that adapts to what is believed to be the authority expected of us.
The 5 degrees of organization of the false self
Winnicott continues and proposes a "scale" of the false self, sometimes called the 5 degrees of organization of the false self. It is actually rather a continuum on which we position our false / true self balance. Its extremes are:
- The case where the real self expresses and allows to develop the potential. The false self is present: it serves to protect the true personality of attacks by using "useful lies" (policies, etc.);
- The case where the real self does not express. It is not apparent and is still hidden. Indeed, the false self took control. It can give others the sensation of being a false person. In the end, we end up being isolated.
Throughout our lives, we tend to "walk around" this continuum. This varies according to the particular circumstances of our lives: education, changes (from country, culture), perception of danger, etc. In those moments, the individual layered his behavior on the authority surrounding him and set up a false protective self.
Again the true/false self balance is normal is healthy. Until the real self disappears, there is no pathological danger.
False self in the gifted
That is the general theoretical part. Now, I'm going to add a little more detail on the fake self at the overly gifted.
Monique de Kermadec explains that this model (which I just mentioned) does not really apply to the zebra adult. In fact, the difference in its functioning and thought is such that it does not correspond in any way to the expectations of its authority (usually parents in the case of children). Thus, we observe the very fast creation of a fake self that comes out to stifle the real self. Indeed, the authentic personality of the High Intellectual Potential is experienced by others as a real source of anxiety, anxiety, or even repulsion. In short, the individual perceives only negative feedback of his true behaviour from his entourage.
The false self is then completely controlled by the brain. For example, the early child can give good academic results to his parents as he notices that they are expected. He can do it more or less. He wears this social mask because, above all, he needs to be loved – even if he would rather be loved for what he is.
I want to slightly qualify these previous lines which summarize the opinion of Monique de Kermadec. In my case, fortunately, it was not so brutal – especially in the family environment. I never had any negative feedback about my real self from my parents. Winnicott would certainly have said that I had a good enough mother – and that may be true. The difficulties arose with my schoolmates mainly. At least, I think it was the perception that I had of their returns that hurt me. Today I realize it wasn't that dramatic.
The dangers of false self
When my shrink talked about all this the first time, I was a little lost. At worst, what's the problem? I didn't see what was serious. Except that, in fact, there are real dangers of not letting his real self live. First of all, the high potential completely misses his life. At best, it survives but does not get any satisfaction. All right, then, we'll avoid assaults; But in the end, what do we get? Where is personal development? Life is not just a succession of days. It's much more than that. And besides, maybe we'll make friends or feel included in a social group. However, this person is not us. The false self does not give a real sense of belonging.
But be careful, too many false self also endangers our health. Monique de Kermadec explains that too much mismatch between what one is and what one shows can produce a real crisis of identity, even a depressive feeling, bitterness, bitterness, and a refusal to respond to our creative impulse. For a gifted man, it's really sad to drop his creativity.
In my case, the main purpose of my false self was not to let any of my emotions pass. I was a real wall, like a bland shell, without relief. The problem is that my real self, suffocated as never before in my mind, he continued to feel things. Gradually, I stored so many emotional loads without ever expressing them that they got mixed up and came out without me being able to control them. I was a quick-cooker ready to explode.
And then, I had completely lost control of how a feeling could express itself. A funny movie? I was pouring my little tear. A dangerous situation? I was exploding with laughter. Absolutely nothing? An anxiety crisis. I was lost among those emotions that came out, without understanding where they came from. Little by little, you forget your real self, and you convince yourself that what you show is really what you are. I was convinced that I was insensitive to life.
Free yourself from false self and find his real self
So, lost in this flood of sensations that I thought were foreign and the arrival of a depressive feeling, I wanted to go to a psychologist. The rest of the story is the discovery of my gift and a big work on myself to differentiate what was Me And what wasn't.
This liberation work to find my real self was done in three steps – which I will describe right after. Each situation is different, so don't take word for word. Nevertheless, I think the method is easily applicable to everyone. Finally, my writings are not worth the personalized and professional advice of a professional! Remember that in case of doubt, there is only one thing to do: validate your gift with an IQ test, and then have someone other than an unknown who designs men-buildings on the internet accompany you.
1. The birth of false self
The first step is to find out from what moment of your life you left the handlebar to your false self. This change of pilot (from true to false self) may have taken place gradually (you have been shuddered all your childhood by your parents), or with a dry blow (a reflection that has struck you deeply).
For me, it was during two discussions of my childhood. Two moments that had enormous repercussions!
This first moment was at the end of primary school. Everyone played football in the playground, but nobody ever wanted me on their team (I was a catastrophic player, I don't blame them). So I was gonna cry in a corner, alone, unloved. One day, one of my girlfriends came to me and said, " You know, Paul, if nobody wants you, it's not because you suck. It's because you cry too much. " Bam. It was a shock. From that day on, I "understood" that expressing one's feelings would bring me nothing good. From that day on, I started burying my real self, this sensitive little Paul.
The second moment was not long after, at the beginning of the college. I had exemplary school results. I loved learning, working well, and understanding the world. I went to college with my neighbor who was, unlike me, very popular. One day I dared to ask him why he was always invited everywhere, not me. He replied that "the dumplings" (understand the intellectuals) like me were misunderstood. Having good grades and loving school is not cool. Second shock, second transformation: I went into a denial of my love for school (without compromising my results). I explained I didn't like classes, but I was just good in there, without working. And I ended up convincing myself.
2. Recognize a false self
The second step is to get to know your fake self. The idea is to observe your behaviour, your reactions, your life, since the moment(s) previously identified. Ask yourself how you got there? Are these acts yours? It's a time to get back to your past.
It's about comparing what you know about yourself and what others think they know about you. Also observe your defense mechanisms: have you chosen to blend into the decor? Have you taken the path of violence? Revolt? Ignorance?
For me, it was clearly the longest step. It takes a little time to relive his life. But from the moment I identified the two moments since my fake self took control, I managed to "remember" my real self. And from that moment on, I started to see it all over again, rethinking everything, but seeing my fake self from outside. I realized that I had left the controls to this impostor who wasn't me – at least not really. It's really weird. I had become that other person I didn't recognize, who was insensitive and cold, and who rebelled at school. He was far away, the sensitive little Paul who loved his classes.
3. Express your real self
The third and final step is, you certainly know, the expression of his real self. However, to my surprise, it was this stage that was the most difficult for me (not the longest, but the harshest).
It must be understood that the establishment of a false self is the result of the denial of its profound identity. In my memories, little Paul looked nice, he was full of life, sparkling. But what if, in fact, my real self was an empty, cold, sad personality? Was it not, in the end, a good idea to leave all this behind?
I've had a lot of questions like that. That will happen to you too. But I preferred to try it. Leaves to have a cold, empty personality, as long as it's mine, and not that insensitive fake self. I wanted to be Me, find me. So I went, but little by little. At first via a blog (well yeah, this one isn't my first). It allowed me to "test" my personality in a closed environment. I was myself, in all my splendor, my creativity, my highs, my stockings, my beloved Excel paintings. And so it worked. I have rarely been so popular. So little by little, I opened myself up to people from "real life." Everything went well, so I continued. And today it's done automatically and it's fantastic. Believe me, it's worth it.
Conclusion
The false self is our social mask that adapts our personality according to what one thinks the norm needs to be done. Everyone has this healthy balance between his fake and his real self. The problem comes when the real self is completely stifled and invisible. Following a deep identity crisis, which regularly leads to depressive states.
This camouflage of his true personality is very common in zebra adults who feel constantly out of step with their environment. To be less weird (or at least feel less different), they wear this social mask and gradually forget who they really are.
To reconnect with your real self, I recommend a three-step method:
- Find out from which moment(s) of your life you left the commands to your false self;
- Observe how since this moment(s) your false self has made you make decisions that are not those you would normally have made;
- Express your true personality.
This change is not taking place in a day, and will require much introspection and will on your part. Nevertheless, to have done so, know that the game is worth (largely!) the candle.
NB: Just like every high potential is different, the way each experiments with his false self is different.
Sources:
- From Kermadec M., Adult Surpassed, 2011.
- Winnicott D., Mother good enough.
- Winnicott D., Child maturation process – Emotional development and the environment.
