Contents
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Today, back to a problem of which you talk a lot: the feeling of lag. What if... your loneliness was quite normal?
Theme: the feeling of lag
- Zebras feel different
- HP are a minority and the feeling of difference is understandable
- The HP and neurotypical boundary is arbitrary
- False self and social relations
- Self-expression among the gifted
Here we go for the nice email of the week. 💫
The feeling of mismatch has been there ever since.
Take a great breath, and imagine for a few seconds that you are in the middle of a lot of people (an evening, a playground, an after-work, etc.). Everybody's having fun. Everybody's talking. Everybody relax.
Except you. You have a problem: you feel out of step. Besides, you will surely recognize yourself in these extracts of email received last week:
« I can't understand the others. Yesterday I had lunch with colleagues at work. We laughed, but I wasn't honest with them. I wasn't myself. I did the chameleon, I put on a mask. I don't understand them. »
« My biggest difficulty is being honest with others. I lie to everyone who I am »
« I always feel out of step with others. Why am I so different? Why doesn't anyone understand me? »
Three things come out of these excerpts:
- There is a great feeling of lag, of difference
- This difference is expressed in relation to "others", as if we were fundamentally different
- This shift requires wearing a social mask, doing chameleon (to integrate with "others")
Today, we're going to decorate this, point by point.
The HIP represent a minority of people
If you've been reading me for a while, you know my love for numbers and Excel spreadsheets. Get ready, we'll do math.
If we trust distribution of intellectual quotients worldwide, HP account for 2.5% of the population.
2.5% of the population is 1 in 40.
So for one zebra, there are 39 other non-zebras.
If you are alone in the middle of 40 people, it is totally normal to feel out of step. Actually, you're a minority.
And this feeling of being a minority happens to many others. Before I realized my gift, I realized I was gay. That, too, is a minority. And among those whom I called "others" (aka heterosexuals), there were certainly zebras who had to think of me as "another", "normal". Finally, we are all "the other" of someone. No one is "normal."
Are Zebras and neurotypicals so different?
As we just saw, we're all someone's "other." But if we re-focus on the high potential, could we ask ourselves if we are so different from each other?
In reality, nothing special happens when we pass the 130 IQ bar. The changes are gradually coming.
The limit of 130 is purely arbitrary. We had to take one, and we could have just as well taken 125 or 140.
From there, are "others" fundamentally different from us? I'm not so sure. There is just as much difference between one person at 121 and another at 131 (so a zebra and a non-HP), as between two HP at 131 and 141.
Chameleon: Social mask and false self
(Yes, I know, he's a little lizard in the title and not a chameleon. We do with the means of the edge!)
What many call "doing chameleon" or "wearing a social mask" has a name and has been highly studied in psychology for about 50 years. We call it the false self. This false-self serves to protect our True-self (our true "we") in times where social constraint is important. For example, during a job interview, it is your fake self who takes the orders. A priori, you are not going to be completely honest and yourself with the person who questions you.
What we must remember is that this true / false self balance is present in everyone. Zebras have no monopoly.
Problems happen when the false self is in command for too long... to the point of forgetting that it is he who commands and lose completely contact / knowledge of the real self. However, in the examples at the beginning of the e-mail, people still seem to be clearly aware that they "are not honest". It is therefore possible to estimate without too much risk that they know that at certain precise times the false self is in command. The problem is therefore to be able to express his true self.
In fact, the HIP a problem of self-expression
Let's recap it. It is quite normal to feel out of step and wear a social mask when you are zebra. We are objectively in a minority, even if the limits of the "box HIPare not always as clear and defined as we think.
But overall we are not the only ones to feel this way... because no one is "mean" (understand average, standard). Everyone has a difference. Everyone's got a shift. Even those who are called "others" and who manage to express themselves without problems when we sometimes block.
Finally, wouldn't the problem come from self-expression? We can feel quite different, but that must not stop us from expressing this difference and being honest with others.
Good news: self-expression is learning.
Your High Potential must not prevent you from flourishing. It does not represent you as a whole, it is only a part of you. Everyone is different in their own way. It is not because you have just discovered your potential that you are condemned to live in a lag. Be you.
Take a great breath, and imagine for a few seconds that you are in the middle of a lot of people (an evening, a playground, an after-work, etc.). Everybody's having fun. Everybody's talking. Everybody relax.
You too.
(I hope you liked the animal theme in the titles)
See you next Tuesday!
Paulo